This blog is the sunny side of things, and most of it isn't me. It's stories that my husband told me, pictures he took, and perspective that he has. I regurgitate it. I copy what other moms on other blogs are doing because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. I am not perfect, and I realized that reading other blogs and hearing others testimonies is only letting me see the perfect and spiritual side of people. It isn't helping me, because I needed to know that people are just as screwed up as I am.
Here's what I told my husband this morning, in a nutshell:
I am going to find out what my limits are, but here is what I know for now. I am not willing to try anything new because I might fail at it. I won't accept a calling because I can't and won't do it. I can't take my kids to their dentist appointments. I can't pick them up from school. I can't make dinner every night. I can't even sit with my family through a meal, because I can't stand their company.
I can't bathe my kids and sing them songs, read them stories, and put them to bed. I can't brush my daughters hair. I can't give my son his medication. I don't do laundry or make my bed. I don't take showers or brush my teeth for days at a time. I don't want to plan a budget with my husband or try to live on one.
I can't pray and ask for help because I don't think that solves anything. I can't go to church because it makes me feel worse because everyone is a hypocrite. I won't go to enrichment night, do my visiting teaching, or feed the missionaries. I can't do those things right now because I don't have it in me to give.
I don't want to explain how I feel anymore, to doctors or family or visiting teachers or co-workers or supervisors or children who don't understand. I want a time out... from everything. My job, my family, my home, my church, my responsibilities, everything. This is who I really am right now.
This won't be me forever, Denise (my sister, not my boss) promised me that. She promised me that it gets better, and I believe her because she is better. Not every day, but more often than she used to be. She cried with me this morning and promised me that this wouldn't last forever. This is my trial, but this is also my husband's trial because he has to live with it too. He has a job, a calling, responsibilities, and now he's doing all the stuff I should be doing too. And I'm asking him to do more because I can't do it anymore.
This is me at my worst, this is my suffering. Life isn't good all the time and blogs make it seem like it is. I can't and won't end with my testimony because my sister told me this morning that sometimes that feels like a get out of jail free card, that you can screw up and use it as an excuse. I don't want people to call me and offer help and support, because it won't help me or support me and I probably won't even answer the phone. I just want my sisters to love me, I just want my kids to not need me for awhile, and I just want to be by myself with some peace and quiet. This post is for all the women out there that think that I handle my struggles with courage and faith, because I don't. I am nobody to be looked up to. Maybe someday I will be, just not today.
4 comments:
What????!!!! You are someone to be looked up to. Are you kidding me?
Working 3 nights a week is tough! Supposedly 24 hours a week is "part time," but it impacts your life full time. When I am not working I am already arranging my life around my next work day. It's impossible to not feel the strain even on your "days off."
You battle the joys of Crohn's with such grace. You do! That is no easy medical condition to have.
Three children bring SO many needs. It IS exhausting. I wanted to skip baseball this year. Just thinking about dragging 2 small kids around to all the practices and games is more than I feel I can stand. Just taking them over to sign up seemed insurmountable!
No one is perfect! Everyone needs a time out! We all deserve one, more than we can ever get. Everywhere we look, needs, needs, needs. What about our needs? No time left to address these.
I could absolutely echo your sentiments on so many points. It would be exhausting for all of us, were I to list all of my failings and flaws. Suffice it to say, I have PLENTY!!!
It is true, most people at church could be called hypocrites. Everyone falls short of the ideal they are reaching for. We all have problem areas. Parts of our character that need a serious overhaul. Weaknesses that must be plucked from our gardens like weeds. At times we may even find ourselves giving a lesson on a topic we are horrible at. Perfect at daily scriptures, NO I Am NOT! It does feel horrible when I am that person studying and teaching a principle I need to vastly improve on. Would it be better if I wore a sign listing my most heinous failings? Perhaps.
I never go on vacation. I hate traveling long distances in the car. Occasionaly, my husband takes the kids to Vegas to visit his family and I get my REAL vacation, freedom at home. A few years ago I went to the movies with my sister on a Sunday. I have only done this twice in my life. She is less active, and I thought, I am on vacation, I'll let it slide this time.
Months later, she said to someone in our family, "At least I'm not a hypocrite like Wendy." I was very offended and angered by that comment. Her intent was to throw me under the bus, and justify all of the sins she embraces under the slogan "I don't know if I believe anymore." By pointing out my shortcomings as a "Believer" she felt better. She may be very open about her willingness to break the sabbath, but rest assured there are plenty of other sins she is less forthcoming about. Was I being a hypocrite going to a Sunday movie. Yes. Is it necessary to shout my sins from the roof tops? No. Will I think 10 times before going to a Sunday movie again? You Bet!
Such is true for everyone. It is a rare gift to be perfect, or atleast, to live consistently and precisely every doctrine you believe.
Is it worth it to be a hypocrite? No. How damaging to our self worth would it be to make a list of our imperfections and pin it to our shirts. Everyone could feel better knowing we were far from perfect. Atleast our true intent when giving lessons would be known: to encourage everyone, especially ourselves, to live more like Christ.
When I first started looking out into the world of blogs, I was a little depressed by the Martha Stewart's of the world. These talented women who seem to be constantly creating masterpeices, aprons, super birthday parties etc. etc. I am just trying to keep up with folding the clean laundry. Honestly!!! How do they do it?
I mentioned this to my cousin who 'seems' to be the super elite. She said, "Yeah, those are out there, stop reading the ones that make you feel crappy."
How true, we are lucky because we can just hop to a new entry, on someone else's canvas. Why spend our free time tearing down our self-worth.
Most people do write flowery, rosey posts. True, it may be a little hard to believe. It even seems at times like their lives are magical and unlike ours.
Once I read a post written with such literary genious that I imagined this picture perfect family of women laying on a bed having a whimsical discussion. At the end of the story I saw a picture of 5 women, all body types, varied ages, commonly attired, and I realized, "Oh these are just normal people." I'm not going to lie, I was almost a little disappointed!
Everyone craves something a little different from the blogging world. Some of us enjoy interacting and making new friends, Sharing ideas and finding that others have similar feelings, or insight that will help us. Perhaps we want to learn more about photography, scrapblogging, etc. At times, I cry with other's heartbrakes. Learn of new children with tenuous medical conditions that could use more prayers.
Sometimes I just want to attempt to think about the whirlwind disasters my children have made in a different light, so I can laugh and move on instead of feeling defeated and frustrated! I have even written posts ranting about a huge frustration, mostly I felt worse, even more bitter after writing it. Most of my dramas, are hard to express without creating further problems.
I love your candid honesty. I love your ability to express yourself. I have felt this inability to do anything. This overwhelming desire to run for the hills. I'm sure it will get better.
I don't feel bearing your testimony is like a get out of jail free card. I think it is an opportunity to let those twinkling lights, at times way down deep within, emerge and diminish the darkness. Reflecting on our testimony helps us feel some of that light, making it just a little easier to walk down that dark path. Surprisingly, once that first strand of lights turn on, we may find more are hidden, eventually there are so many lights up that we no longer feel lost and unsure of our footing.
Sadness and defeat come. Sometimes we must embrace it. Stand in it's pouring rain.
That's okay.
Just remember, eventually it does stop raining, the sun comes out, and we really can feel the warmth on our skin. I know you can feel it, I have felt that warmth in your presence.
Joseph B. Worthlin spoke of the terrible friday the Christ was lifted up on the cross. He speaks of how "Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come."
Hang in there Jill. Your Sunday is coming. The son is always there, even when we don't see it, and may not feel it's glow. It's okay to lean on your husband, he is strong. When the rain is too much, let him hold the umbrella and shelter you from the down pour. Your Sunday is coming. Hold On! :)
Jill -- I just love you! I totally love who you are. That you can talk about such difficult times. You are definately not alone. The previous commenter said your Sunday will come. And it will. Denise is right -- this isn't forever. Someday you will be better. There is no need to sugar coat anything. We all struggle with our own demons... myself included. And we all handle it differently. There isn't really a right or wrong.
I wish I could take this from you. I know, from experience, how painful it can be. But hang in there. You are stronger than you think you are.
Jill,
I happened to stumble onto your post and was so amazed at your honesty and courage. I have Bi-Polar disorder and I truly can relate to what you are saying. I don't know if you have bi-polar or not, but one thing my visitng teaching companion said to me one time was....Can you imagine how wonderful it will be when you get to heaven and your mind is perfect! That really struck me and still stays with me. It's not just our physical bodies that will be restored to our perfect form, but our minds also. Depression is a horrible thing and I too deal with that on a daily basis. It sounds like you have wonderful friends and a great support group. For me sometimes getting by one day at a time is to long. I have to go one hour at a time, or even 5 minutes at a time, just to survive. I send you my sisterly love and pray that you will find some light in your cloudy days.
Jill I don't know if you will ever read this but I want to thank you for your honesty. I don't know if you remember me, Jamie Mullen, we went to the same high school. I grew up a member (still am) but always felt like I wasn't as 'good' as the other members at our school. I have gone on to be active and stuff, but harbored a lot of guilt because I wasn't living like all the other women I came in contact with at church. I began to realize that my guilt reached back to high school. It was a blessing to read this blog and see that I am not alone in some of the things I do, and to think it was written by one of those kids in school that I compared myself to! Thank you for sharing this, I know I can move beyond those ridiculous thoughts I had in school and not feel alone in what I do or think. Thanks again. Jamie mullen Payne
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