I need comments. I need my friends and family to give me some feedback, because I want to ask a serious question.
What do you do when someone misunderstands your motives, comments, suggestions or actions? Do you get angry? Do you let your feelings get hurt? Do you lash out, or hold your feelings inside so they can fester? And then, what do you do when you misunderstand someone else. When you misjudge them, are overly critical, when you've jumped to the wrong conclusion. You know you've hurt someone, so then what?
I've spent way too much time these past months feeling sorry for myself because people have misjudged me, criticized me, and hurt me. People at work, at church, at home, friends & family alike. I know I get offended too easily. I've tried not reacting at all, letting things go, lashing out, defending my motives, ignoring them, accusing them, blaming & forgiving. It's just making me tired, and no matter which option I choose I still end up feeling bad about it.
A lot of the problem is my disease. I'm getting treatment, I'm working out my medications, I'm talking to a psychiatrist, but I feel like I need to take some control. I just don't want to be sad anymore. So what would you do?
5 comments:
That's a good question, Jill. I think what I do and what I SHOULD do are different.
I had an experience a few years back with a good friend of mine. She completely misunderstood something I had done. I thought I was helping her. She was MAD and she let me know it too. And I was hurt because I hadn't intended to do anything but help.
I really felt bad. So I apologized. Twice. Once over the phone the next time in person. But she was STILL MAD.
I had done all I knew to do and she was still unreasonably upset (so I thought) and I began to get upset that she had even gotten mad
at me in the first place.
Eventually she apologized for the way she acted. And we are friends again. But it was a long hurtful time and I wouldn't say we are back to normal. I really hesitated to trust her again. But because she had apologized, I knew the ball was in my court.
I think we are all given opportunities where we have every right to be upset. When we are mistreated or misunderstood. That is part of our journey here.
We can allow it to get to us, like I did, and let it interfere with relationships. Or, we can do what the most Misunderstood Person of all time did, and forgive.
It is so much harder than it sounds. Especially as I get older. But that is really the only thing to do. And the cool thing about the Atonement of Christ is that through it He gives us that enabling power. So no matter what are current circumstances are, we can draw on that power and forgive. He doesn't just save it for those who are perfect or whole... He gives any who desire, that enabling power to forgive.
I have learned over the last few years that it is easier if I just don't get upset in the first place. And that, sometimes, is REALLY hard. Especially if someone misunderstood you in a hurtful way.
But I keep telling myself that we are just all in this together... We are all just trying to get to the same place and trying to find happiness. Some people have an easier time staying on that path than others. And some, hurt others along the way. I don't think it is always intentional, but part of that person trying to grow and learn their way back to our Father. When I keep this perspective, I don't get as upset. And it is easier for me to overlook what someone may have said or done or misunderstood.
The fact of the matter is that it IS supposed to be hard. We are supposed to struggle so we can learn. The fact that you are struggling indicates you are learning, which means humility. Which means you are on the right track, Jill. I think you need to believe in yourself, that you have the ability RIGHT NOW to overcome hurt and anger. You have that because you exist. And each of us who are here on earth have that same light inside us. The one that can draw on the enabling power of the atonement.
Oh yeah -- and I apologize A LOT!!! I am just going to be misunderstood. So I do my best, and apologize. In my opinion, it is better to make peace than be right.
Amen to that last comment. “it is better to make peace than be right”.
I can’t even tell you how many times I have apologized and not meant it, but then a week later, realized that maybe the other person had a point, but I didn’t waste a week of that friendship by waiting until I was ready to apologize. Isn’t that what we teach our kids anyway? We don’t teach them to only say sorry if they mean it. Because they usually don’t mean it, it’s just good manners. My advice is to always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. We never really know what other people’s motives are. It doesn’t help to jump to conclusions. I also agree with the other two comments on the healing power of prayer. It can be a meditative state of mind, where we can let go of anger, and let love in. And if that peaceful feeling doesn’t last, then get back on your knees for a refill.
First of all this has nothing to do with this but you have to visit my friends blog it is "Random babblings fromthe mind of Emily" she had a really funny comic on there that you would like. Anyway, yeah I do all the praying, but when I get mad I always write that person I am mad at a letter. I say everything I would want to say in that letter. And then I keep it for a day or so and then I throw it out. As for being in the wrong, sometimes you just have to suck it up and say your sorry. Not grovel, but just appoligize.
I was thinking recently about how we interact with others far less once we settle into our own family. Seriously, most days the only people we talk to are spouses by phone, maybe sisters and sister in laws. Some days we talk to a friend or two. Most days I don't work, therefore, most days that is the extent of my interactions with adults.
I always felt like I had plenty of friends. As college ended and I started having kids, while working, I found less time for friendships. Soon I found friends move, the strength of those friendships often fade, but family will always be around.
I decided to make my sisters and sister in laws better friends. Win-Win for everyone. I became the very thoughtful caring person who tried to make sure everyones needs are met, my parents, all brothers/sisters/their spouses (14 people). Not to mention neices and nephews, then my husband and kids.
It took months before I noticed everyone was making me crazy. I would put forth every effort to be thoughtful, helpful etc... In return I got thoughtlessness, no help, and ingratitude. Even worse, sometimes angry words or criticism.
Add to this that I started misunderstanding the intent of people's comments. Soon it seemed quite obvious that everyone was rude, I was undervalued, and I had become the giving tree. All leaves had been taken, branches sawed off, trunk axed, all that remained was a lowly stump.
Not pretty. I wanted to scream-- "I am done with these people!" So I took a little brake from being the heart and soul of the family, the problem solver, the fixer. I even said, "I just really don't care. Leave me out of all of the drama."
I have tried talking to the offenders about the hurts, and unkind damaging words that have been said to me, it never seemed to improve anything. People just got immediately defensive, and it all fell back in my lap. More tears of hurt and frustration for me.
One day when I had hit that bottom again, I attempted for the last time to express what made me sad and hurt. A funny thing happened. As I thought about the person who said these rude things I asked myself, "Does this person love me? Would they really intentionally say such horrible and hurtful things to me knowing the damage they would do?"
I was reminded then that none of it really matters. All the ill spoken words had just created distance and sadness. No benefit to either of us.
I have such an abundance of love for these people and had given more than a person can give. I needed to hold some love back for me. It was time to stop investing so much energy in saving them from their lives, and focus on enhancing my own. Building myself. I still have to make a conscious effort not to leap to the rescue, but it really has helped me.
I find it easy to misunderstand what people are saying to me. Always this confusion goes to a bad direction. I am certain they were infering something rude, or damaging. I would love to quickly recognize the impact of others words so that I could clarify. I would find the person shocked that their words were so destructive.
I love to use the word crazy. That is so crazy. Their driving me crazy. Seriously that is so crazy...
My sisters was going through a tough time, and felt like she was really going a little "crazy". She would say 'I got no sleep at all last night.' I would say in an empathizing tone, "Oh, that is so crazy."
I meant this very sincerely. I am so sorry you didn't get enough sleep, I feel like garbage with no rest, I wish you didn't have to feel yucky all day because you aren't rested.
She heard, "Your Crazy."
2 weeks ago 6 hours into the day my patient said, "Who are you?" I said, "Your nurse."
She replied impatiently, "Who ARE you?" I was surprised she couldn't recognize me as the person who had spent 3 hours in her room that day, "YOUR nurse" was my response a little more assertively.
She started getting emotional and tearing up, a common thing for this patient and she said, "What is your name?"
Oh! She just couldn't remember my name. I had no idea that she would think hearing my name again was important at that moment. Miscommunication/Misunderstanding.
I wondered, how many times does this happen?
Sorry this is a forever comment, the topic is close to my heart. I don't think there is one right answer that works for everyone. The typical and obvious answer is prayer. I do believe prayer helps and it can change how we experience the world around us, and how we cope with it.
It seems to me different points in time the solution changes. Distance from certain people, Increasing interactions with those who DO make you feel good. Who you walk away from feeling prettier, more talented, motivated to accomplish even more. These help me.
A little more exercise and sometimes a good cry are other methods that help me get over things. :)
Jill,
I feel your pain! Judgements and criticism is all part of being BP. The majority of the population still view people with mental illness as 'psycho', flawed in some way. I have come along way in feeling hurt, but it still is difficult when you are judged unjustly. I believe that BP people will always have to deal with ignorance in people, it's just part of the ugliness that comes with the disease.
For, me I try to remember that it is not my place to judge, that they will be taken care of on the other side. I try to have Christlike love for everyone, but I KNOW how really hard that is.
BP is no different than being diabetic or even cancer. You need to focus on yourself and your inner circle that do love you and support you. Find peace in small things and remember what truly is important.
If you need a fellow BP person who has had this disease for 7 years you can e-mail me at iluvfireflys@columbus.rr.com. I would love to help you with my own wisdom of my disease.
Post a Comment