The status of my brain...

An update on my mental health, which has been a little wacky for the past six months.

To my church:
Sorry I haven't been coming all that often, the lessons were confusing and frustrating and I felt like they didn't apply to me. Sometimes I felt like I was being punished for not living the gospel better, and being around everyone else who was doing ok was causing anxiety attacks. I'm feeling better, and I'd like to visit again soon. Thanks for believing in me and sending angels in disguise with gift baskets, cards, cookies, and visiting teaching lessons.

To my kids:
Sorry that mom flipped out and locked herself in her room for months. Sorry I didn't check your homework, made sure you brushed your teeth, tucked you in at bedtime and sang you your 'pillow songs'. Thanks for telling me that I'm doing my best and you love me more than any other mom in the world. I love you guys more than you'll ever understand, until you have kids of your own someday. Thanks for your forgiveness when I picked myself back up and asked you to let me be your mom again. You guys rock.

To my husband:
Wow... sorry for everything? I know that mental illness is my major trial in this life, the cross that I have to carry. Being married to me is yours. Thanks for ignoring my outbursts of anger and not engaging in fights that I tried to start. Thanks for forgiving me when I turned the running of the entire household over to you and your already burdened schedule. Thanks for taking vacation days from work so I could go on vacations by myself, go to therapy, or lock myself in my room. Thanks for being optimistic about getting us out of all the debt I created when I thought buying things would make me feel better. Thanks for telling me I'm beautiful, even when I've worn the same clothes for 3 days and haven't showered. Thanks for praying with me, and for me, and expressing gratitude for me in those prayers. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. Thanks for your humor, patience, forgiveness, strength, and example. I love you more today than I ever did when I first had a crush on you in 8th grade, more than the day we got married, & more than the day we first became parents.

To my boss (who will never read this):
The old Jill is gone. You were supportive of me and my struggles, you told me to take my time and not worry about my productivity being down. During my therapy you said that you really want 'your Jill' back, the one you remember from before my 'crash.' (That's a lot of parenthesis...) I need to tell you that the old Jill isn't coming back. One of the things that made me crash was the need to be perfect at everything I did, including my work. I was your highest achiever, your hardest worker. Now I'm comfortable with mediocre. I do the best that I can, and let the rest of it go. If I'm going to be the best at anything it's going to be as a wife and mother. Thanks for your support, your patience and even your prayers, but the new Jill is here to stay. Get used to it.

To my puppies:
I wouldn't have made it without you girls! Dogs are the best therapy, I will shout that from the rooftops until the day I die. They love unconditionally, forgive immediately, don't talk back or argue, are there at a moments notice when you need them, and snuggle when you don't want to be alone but can't talk to anyone either. They understood my moods before I did, which I still don't understand.

To myself:
I still feel like a failure some days, but go back and make a list of your successes! I am getting up every day. I am making dinner for my family. I am doing crafts, reading books, and just started gardening. I am tucking my kids in and reading them stories and singing them songs. I am washing and folding laundry, scrubbing toilets, and mopping the spilled lemonade off the floor. I am writing a book about my experiences that may never get published, but that will help my children understand my disease and forgive my mistakes. I am exercising. I am making and trusting friends. I'm dating my husband again. I'm taking my medications and seeing my psychiatrist regularly. I'm reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. I am doing my best, which is all that I can do. It is enough.

More on the honesty of children....

Austin is playing a game online. Ben watches for a minute. Then he says....

"Dad, why do you keep on losing?"

Ballet Recital

The girls had their spring recital on Friday and Saturday May 15th and 16th, their first time doing multiple performances of the same show. We had tickets for Friday night, and they did so wonderful! Here's a few shots of my beautiful dancers...

The best husband in the world...

Out of the blue, with no warning & for no reason, my
husband just brought me a homemade pizookie.

I definitely married the right man.

Sometimes kids are too honest.

Blog, blog, blog

I posted 4 or 5 things in a row... please hang in there, my kids say and do the funniest things! I just got a little behind schedule because I went to Utah for BYU Women's Conference. Another great blog post by the way, but I'm tired of typing tonight.

Father's and Sons campout

This is late, but I wanted to add a few pictures from the campout last weekend. As you can probably tell, Ben had control of the camera lots of the time!

Isn't she beautiful?

I am so in love with this girl.

And isn't that hat adorable?

(yes, I made it this morning before preschool to match her dress)

Backyard fun

Isn't she beautiful?

Elphie loves the backyard. I bought her a doggie pool, but she'd rather lay in the grass and chew on rotten oranges. Want to know what happened to the doggie pool?

Kids filled it up. And I swear we feed that boy.

He has muscles in his arms, but you can see his ribcage!

While helping me water the garden, they decided to water themselves.

Maybe it will help them grow!

And yes, Grace took off her princess dress and got in the pool in her underwear.

At least this is in the backyard.

Summertime in my backyard

The tire swing

My dad used to push me on this so high I'd hit the branches of the tree it hangs from.
And then maybe I'd throw up.

(so this makes more sense, I'm living in the house I grew up in)

Blossoms on my zucchini plants

Corn stalks growing among the zucchini

Jilly, Jilly, she is quite silly, how does your garden grow?

My beautiful back porch. It needs to be replaced soon, lots of those boards are rotting

The side gate and the mandarin orange tree, which makes the BEST juice

It's one of thirteen citrus trees on my property

I love backyard toys. And I love when the lemons fall so I don't have to climb the trees to get them. And I love lemon meringue pie, lemonade, lemon bars, lemon chicken...

it's a good thing, because that tree produces over 1000 lemons every year.

Backyard scenery

My new project

Adult and child sizes available, all colors!

(I'm not really taking orders or mass producing these adorable little hats, but if you want to give me some money for one then I wouldn't say no).

Grace fell off the pool table (why was she up there anyway?) and got a bloody nose.
She asked me for a band aid to stop the bleeding.

*sigh*

I agreed. At least she can breathe through her mouth.

Happy Mother's Day

I hope all you moms out there have had a good Mother's Day.

I secretly kind of hate it.

Why do kids wake you up with breakfast and all kinds of promises to be the best kids in the world, and then break the promise by 8:30? Why do my kids act worse on Mother's Day than they do any other day of the year? I've never heard so much screaming in my house at the same time! All I wanted was a nap, is that too much to ask?!?!


{deep breath}


I'm grateful I have kids... I'm grateful I have kids... I'm grateful I have kids...

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Today's mail:

"Thank you for your recent manuscript submission. It is now under review and you can expect to hear from us by mail within eight to ten weeks concerning its status."
- Deseret Book Publishing Company





**** shriek! *****





Ok, even if this goes nowhere and never gets published, I'll still have a book for my kids that details my struggles with my disease. It's hereditary, so maybe they can use it as a self-help manual!

remember the telephone game?

E: "Mom, we're reading the 'Diary of a Whipping Boy' at school."

G: "you're reading diarrhea?!"

I'm secretly afraid that my sense of humor offends people.

I'm trying not to be offended by this.

Let me introduce myself...

I saw this on another blog, that I read religiously even though I don't know her, and I thought it was a good idea. I'm going to re-introduce myself.


Wife to my high school sweetheart (we met when we were 12)

Mom of three crazy kids (girl, boy, girl)

Employee (at a job I can't stand, but at least I HAVE a job) (seriously the next person to say that to me is going to get poked in the eye)

Crafter (I make cards, scrapbooks, crochet blankets, paint, make jewelry, etc.)

Gardener (this is recent, I've always killed everything green in the past. I actually grew broccoli in my garden and then ATE it!)

Musician (sing, play piano and violin, wrote some awesome songs myself... whatever, I rock)

Bi-polar (I know, out of the blue, right? Especially if you didn't know me. I'm seriously crazy, but in a good way. And I'm on drugs. Whatever.)

Reader (I read everything: novels, scriptures, autobiographies, histories, romances, TWILIGHT ((how did I forget to put that first on the list??)), mysteries, science fiction, drama, etc.)

Twilight fan (I went to the midnight show on opening night and was seriously the second oldest person there. I don't care.)

Dog lover, especially Boston Terriers. (who wouldn't love this puppy, even though she sneaks into the kids bathtub and chews up their toys?!)


Native (I was born in Arizona, I'll die in Arizona. I don't tan either, I'm covered in freckles. Maybe they'll kick me out, like they did to Bella!)

Organizer (my bobby pins are in a plastic tub that's labeled. It's sort of an obsession.)

Favorite flower: tulip
Favorite color: green
Favorite book: Twilight series
Favorite food: Mexican
Favorite song: changes, but right now the Wicked soundtrack, 'Defying Gravity'
Favorite musical: Les Miserables / Wicked (it's a tie)
Favorite person: Hubby :)
Favorite Movie: Anne of Green Gables / Pride & Prejudice
Favorite Actor: Hugh Jackman & Clint Eastwood, but this changes all the time too
Favorite makeup: Bare Minerals
Favorite lipgloss: C.O. Bigelow apothecaries
Favorite thing I own: my laptop
Favorite place to visit: cabin in Overgaard
Favorite child: I tell my kids I love them all the same *wink*


This is WAY more than you ever wanted to know about me, but now I feel like I really know you! Please leave comments and introduce yourself to me, and we'll be best friends forever.

Who's really to blame?

I'm gonna burn these pants

Sitting in the doctor's office, Ember was sitting on my lap with a bit of anxiety. Doctor got up and walked out for a minute, Ember turns to me and says...

"I just farted in your lap."

bedtime conversations

Tucking in Grace:

"Don't talk to me while I'm eating my boogers."


Tucking in Ben:

(referencing the mole on my arm, which he's been attracted to since birth,) "ants would think this was a trampoline."


Tucking in Ember:

This wasn't a conversation so much as an observation. When Ember was little she was obsessed with her outie belly button. As I was reading her the Secret Garden tonight, I caught her rubbing it again. She started when she was 18 months, and now she's almost nine. Ingrained habits.


My kids say and do the strangest things.

HAPPY SINK-O-DE-MAYO!!

* cake image swiped from cakewrecks.com. It's funnier when you put the cake in your sink.

or else!!

Gracie has learned the meaning of the phrase 'or else.'



"You have to fix this or else I'll punch you!"

"Give me that crayon or else I'll smack you, and kick you, and punch you."

"I get to do this or else I won't love you anymore!"

Can you believe those words came out of this sweet little face?

Here's one more picture of her sweet little face all covered up by a helmet. This was her first experience on a four wheeler at the daddy daughter activity. I sure do love that girl, but may I remind you that I just spent five weeks in therapy....

Emergency! Emergency!

Poor Ember landed herself in the emergency room at 5:00 this morning with asthma complications.

She's been using her rescue inhaler every day for weeks, and finally last night she could hardly breath after two breathing treatments in a row.

They kept her until about noon today, and she's doing much better after four more treatments and some steroids. She still has to take it easy for a few days, but she'll be just fine.

Has this allergy season been hard on anyone else?!

Playing Catch Up

Here's a little catch up, I've been busy / crazy / out of town / sleeping.

4/6/09 Grace has discovered my iPod. It has movies on it, which is her favorite part.
The ear buds annoy her a little bit, but that doesn't stop her from watching cartoons on the tiniest screen ever.

4/4/09 Gracie enjoying a nice warm bowl of oatmeal wearing long sleeve,
winter pajamas in the HEAT WAVE!!

4/10/09 Austin took the girls on a Daddy-Daughter outing with the ward, and they came home and told me they climbed a mountain! Grace literally climbed, on her hands and knees.

Ember REALLY liked the fire. She's glowing, like a real ember!