An update on my mental health, which has been a little wacky for the past six months.
To my church:
Sorry I haven't been coming all that often, the lessons were confusing and frustrating and I felt like they didn't apply to me. Sometimes I felt like I was being punished for not living the gospel better, and being around everyone else who was doing ok was causing anxiety attacks. I'm feeling better, and I'd like to visit again soon. Thanks for believing in me and sending angels in disguise with gift baskets, cards, cookies, and visiting teaching lessons.
To my kids:
Sorry that mom flipped out and locked herself in her room for months. Sorry I didn't check your homework, made sure you brushed your teeth, tucked you in at bedtime and sang you your 'pillow songs'. Thanks for telling me that I'm doing my best and you love me more than any other mom in the world. I love you guys more than you'll ever understand, until you have kids of your own someday. Thanks for your forgiveness when I picked myself back up and asked you to let me be your mom again. You guys rock.
To my husband:
Wow... sorry for everything? I know that mental illness is my major trial in this life, the cross that I have to carry. Being married to me is yours. Thanks for ignoring my outbursts of anger and not engaging in fights that I tried to start. Thanks for forgiving me when I turned the running of the entire household over to you and your already burdened schedule. Thanks for taking vacation days from work so I could go on vacations by myself, go to therapy, or lock myself in my room. Thanks for being optimistic about getting us out of all the debt I created when I thought buying things would make me feel better. Thanks for telling me I'm beautiful, even when I've worn the same clothes for 3 days and haven't showered. Thanks for praying with me, and for me, and expressing gratitude for me in those prayers. Thanks for loving me unconditionally. Thanks for your humor, patience, forgiveness, strength, and example. I love you more today than I ever did when I first had a crush on you in 8th grade, more than the day we got married, & more than the day we first became parents.
To my boss (who will never read this):
The old Jill is gone. You were supportive of me and my struggles, you told me to take my time and not worry about my productivity being down. During my therapy you said that you really want 'your Jill' back, the one you remember from before my 'crash.' (That's a lot of parenthesis...) I need to tell you that the old Jill isn't coming back. One of the things that made me crash was the need to be perfect at everything I did, including my work. I was your highest achiever, your hardest worker. Now I'm comfortable with mediocre. I do the best that I can, and let the rest of it go. If I'm going to be the best at anything it's going to be as a wife and mother. Thanks for your support, your patience and even your prayers, but the new Jill is here to stay. Get used to it.
To my puppies:
I wouldn't have made it without you girls! Dogs are the best therapy, I will shout that from the rooftops until the day I die. They love unconditionally, forgive immediately, don't talk back or argue, are there at a moments notice when you need them, and snuggle when you don't want to be alone but can't talk to anyone either. They understood my moods before I did, which I still don't understand.
To myself:
I still feel like a failure some days, but go back and make a list of your successes! I am getting up every day. I am making dinner for my family. I am doing crafts, reading books, and just started gardening. I am tucking my kids in and reading them stories and singing them songs. I am washing and folding laundry, scrubbing toilets, and mopping the spilled lemonade off the floor. I am writing a book about my experiences that may never get published, but that will help my children understand my disease and forgive my mistakes. I am exercising. I am making and trusting friends. I'm dating my husband again. I'm taking my medications and seeing my psychiatrist regularly. I'm reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. I am doing my best, which is all that I can do. It is enough.
14 comments:
Jill, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. :(
I'm glad things are getting better.
Jill, I relate to this post on so many levels. You took mumbled words in my head and wrote my own thoughts so perfectly. Not going to church, spending money like water, having to do everything perfect are just a few. My Bishop told me once that one of the questions in the temple recommend interview is do I attend my church meetings. He didn't come right out and say it, but he sure got his point across. I really didn't appreciate that and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to have that temple recommend to find some refuge from my disease. Anyway, you are doing great and you are doing better than I am. You are helping me by your example. Thank you.
Jill,
Still the best advice that got me through hard times was from my best SIL. And I know I've told it to you before. This is your hardest challenge. Your Gethsemane as some might say. After this, all hard times will seem like cake. It has wrung true for me. It's like strength training with elephants, for a career in lifting duckies. ( worst analogy ever, that's obviously me, my SIL would never say that!) LOVE YOU!
WOW, I love the previous post about Gethsemane. Isn't that SO true.
TO OUR JILL:
Too many of us suffer, struggle, and scream in silence and then wonder why it is that we cannot always be heard and understood. Thank you for your absolute courage to let go of the silence.
Through your vulnerability, you are gathering strength in abundance. We who eat at your generous table and later glean from the residue of your vulnerability are also made rich. Hopefully, we will all recognize that; may some do their best to acknowledge it openely.
I love you, Jill. I have confidence that ALL who seek to know you, love you. May we each do our best to watch even one hour with you and your family as you journey through your own Gethsemane experience. True it is that the darkness found there is vexingly real. Still, "the light is stronger than the dark" (Sheri Dew, No Doubt About It, p. 16).
Hold on to that Light.
Thank you all for your comments for my sweet Jill. I know they lift her and provide her strength. She takes comfort in knowing there ARE people who understand her pain; there ARE people who really, genuinely care about her; there ARE people who love her unconditionally; there ARE people who will "watch one hour" with her while she struggles.
I take courage and comfort in knowing there are others out there (known and secret) that are willing, able, and desire to assist us in our struggles. We could not have made it through this very difficult time without the aid of friends and family. The little cards, calls, anonymous gifts, and other aid given have all meant so much to Jill. You all have my gratitude.
To my Jill: Thank you for your comments. Thank you for sharing how you feel. Thank you for enduring. The Savior himself went through all that you have and more. He asks us only to do what can; to try our best. And then to turn to Him and He will take care of the rest. He truly has borne you and I through our troubles. Even at those moments when you lacked the strength to ask.
I have told you many times that I wish I could simply take your pain away. I want to be your band-aid, your kiss on the scraped knee, I want to fix it, to make all your troubles go away....but I can't. I do not possess the ability. That is hard; that is my trial. Having to watch you suffer. Having to stand by feeling helpless while you endure pain I cannot understand.
I love you. I knew somehow, sometime you would reemerge from the dark cloud of depression. I knew the sun would again shine in your life; that you would again reflect the light and love of the Son. I knew.
You are much stronger than you have ever given yourself credit for. Looking through comments from those who follow your blog should help you realize what you have meant to so many others. I am told very often by people in the ward how much they admire your courage and your strength.
Know this: I will ALWAYS be there for you. I will ALWAYS do whatever is in my power and pray for what is not to help you.
You are my forever.
Wow Jill! I had no idea you were having such a struggle. I know that you've had difficult times, but I thought you had been managing okay. You are a good mother and wife. That is evident from your blogs. I know you are also talented in many ways. Whenever you are down or feel a need for a pick-me-up read D&C sections 121 and 122. Both sections were received while Joseph Smith and his close friends were incarcerated in Liberty Jail. The words especially at the beginning of section 121 are that of a concerned child crying out to their parents for help and receiving the loving tender answer of a concerned father. I'm glad that all goes better for you, and coming from someone who has also struggled with depression at times, dark days can and probably will re-emerge, but from previous experiences and help from the Lord and your family, once again, you can learn to manage and re-emerge better than before.
Jon
You go Jill! The last several months have been so hard on you, hard to watch, but my experience wathcing is nothing like what you had to FEEL. I thank you for sharing. Your stories are phenominal. Your life is an example of love. Love from our Savior, love from Austin, love of children, and your love of life. I am so happy that there are good things and good people out there to help you.
*sniffle*
YOU ARE AMAZING! I love that you are so open with your struggles... too many people struggle in silence. You speak out and lift others with your trials...
Keep hanging on!
Jill- Thank you for everything. You have NO idea how many of us you have taught these past months. I cannot begin to list all the things I have learned by just simply watching you, reading your blogs, and feeling the gentle power of our Father letting me know how hard things were. Sometimes it is very hard to be happy when you know others are bearing so much pain, and to not know what to do or say. But I hope you have felt mine, and soosooo many other prayers in your behalf. Your name has never NOT been on the Temple prayer list. It has been long in coming what I just read- and an answer to many many prayers. I want you to always know something- that "Every Day Matters"! Every single little day on this earth is a big part of this earthly existance. And everthing you think, feel or do, DOES matter! You have been so blessed with great knowledge, and that has been a huge part of your healing process. It is not your fault that you have these hurdles, everyone has them, they may be different, but there is not one person on this planet that does not have hurdles in life. This is all part of His plan, and YOU, as His daughter are teaching all of us just how to jump a little higher to clear them. We never have given up on you, not for one minute, and know you will be back again with us as part of our ward family. Jill, We Love You!!
I had no idea you suffered with this. I haven't been around you for many years but when I was in the ward I always looked at you with admiration and a little envy, not a good thing to admit to, I know, not in keeping with gospel principles, but I couldn't help it, your great parents, great little family, your musical talent, and I was drowning in personal problems, and wondering why things just didn't get better. ALL my kids have suffered from severe depression so I think I understand but only a little, I guess I really DO NOT UNDERSTAND but I wish I could. I've seen my kids go down dark paths because of this and have been unable to help them get out of it (the depression). My ex husband also suffered such severe depression it became unbearable which led to our divorce, and I still feel guilty over it. Anyway I am talking about myself here, but just want to say HANG IN THERE, don't give up, you ARE A STRONG PERSON EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT NOT THINK YOU ARE. YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT LET THESE DEPRESSIONS TAKE YOU FROM WHAT IS MOST PRECIOUS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR HUBBY, YOUR PRINCIPLES. So see you ARE REALLY GREAT! You are still an example to me, even more now that I know what you have gone through. Your blog is so lovely and a testament to YOU, THE VERY LOVELY AND STRONG "you" THAT YOU ARE!!!
Jill,
I want you to know that I think that you are an AMAZING woman! I am so so happy to see you smiling and laughing again. It was so extremely hard to read about the struggles you were having, knowing all along that I have struggled with many of those same things, too, as you know all too well!! I thank you for your willingness to share your innermost feelings that I may know that I am not the only one who wonders how we will ever get through the day! Austin is an amazing, loving, and forgiving man and I am so grateful that he has been there for you. He is truly an example of Christ and of how we should deal with our trials in life (with patience and compassion) You truly have a talent for writing, and your words pricked at my heart strings!! I LOVE YOU!! :)Thanks again for sharing...
Oh Jill,
My heart is so full to breaking open with sobs at what I can only imagine you were going through. I think it was in the midst of the hardest part--from the timing mentioned---that we IM'd on Facebook and I plead for your forgiveness if I was callous or unfeeling to what you were going through at the time! I just didn't know and couldn't have grasped it at the time, still can't except for you beautiful words! You have been my friend the longest of anyone, longer than Austin even! It made my heart equally filled with so much joy at the "New Jill" and at what you have achieved and what you have gained! I cannot imagine what it must have been like. I am so thankful to my core at your stregnth to hang on to what you know and keep your nose above water until the time that you could resurface from underneath. You have had my prayers and I feel the lump in my throat as I wish desperately that I could do more than just pray, more than just watch from a far, that I could throw my arms around you and drown you in flowers from my garden and make you any kind of treat you could possibly wish for at the blink of an eye or even just smiley face attack your home one more time. :) I'm sure we loved each other in the pre-existance. I am sure that you in my life helped me to know at such a tender age what true friendship meant, that watching you over the years that we had to be so close together as you became this most amazing, gifted, beautiful person that I watched and marveled at on your wedding day. (Do you know I thought you were the most beautiful person I had ever known to that point? You were always so self-concious of your pale skin, but I thought it was so beautiful next to your lovely hair and your gorgeous eyes and smile!) Of course you still are so beautiful, I haven't seen what you look like on the outside for a very long while---with my own eyes anyway, but true beauty is found within, so you must be close to perfection by now because for you to have to go through what you have been through and to still posess that precious Light of Christ, to be able to share that light so freely with others and to be able to allow yourself to begin healing the way you have, your inner beauty must shine through with such clarity it must be shocking! Besides, I know Austin doesn't lie, so if he says it, well, there you go!I love you so much! Different towns and afew hundred miles can't ever stop that. I know you will be triumphant...I know you, you'll find a way , you always have. Hang in there! I will keep on praying and I will cherish this post forever. You know, you really are tha most amazing writer! I'd buy your book. Love you!!
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