oh, it gets worse.

I've been off Paxil now for over two weeks. I've been stepping down my doses slowly for the past year, finally down to 5 mg. every other day. Two weeks clean.

And NOW my withdrawal symptoms are starting.

I get horrible headaches that come in short bursts, it feels like little electrified pebbles bouncing around inside my skull. There's a rushing sound like wind or water in my ears. I'm edgy and anxious and stressed and moody and angry.

I would usually get these headaches when I missed one dose, so why did this take two weeks to get worse?

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, I just can't get drowsy. I got out of bed the other night at 12:00 AM and emptied my cupboards and reorganized the pantry. It's not like I sleep all day either, I should be tired at the end of the day like everyone else, but I'm not. My sleep habits and patterns are irregular.

My five year old daughter told me tonight, "Mom... just remember what I told you last time. Just close your eyes, lay down, and sleep will come. It always works for me."

I wish that always worked for me. I'm feeling so crappy right now I can hardly stand it.

My behavior has been so erratic that it's scaring my kids. Ember called Austin at work this week and tattled on me, and my behavior. He was worried enough to come home. Now he's working from home until school starts again.

I NEVER want to meet his boss, because he knows some pretty horrible things about me. He's also done some pretty amazing things for Austin so he can be here for me when I need it. Silver lining, I guess.

Next week I'll start a new drug and play around with doses and frequency for awhile, and it has greater side effects that the others I've tried.

What kind of mother am I? My kids were afraid of me this week. I got angry about cracker crumbs on the floor and flipped out.

Now I'm seeing a therapist in addition to my psychiatrist. The co-pays and prescriptions are getting to be such a burden, not to mention the time commitments and struggle to find babysitters so mom can try and get well.

My kids always forgive me, and they're just getting old enough to understand why this happens sometimes. I don't understand why it's worse sometimes than others. I wish that this was pneumonia and I could take an anti-biotic and be cured, but it isn't. This is my life, this illness.

It'll get better again, it always does, I'm just angry tonight because the symptoms are getting worse and not better.

I'm going to try and take the advice of little Grace, and just close my eyes and maybe sleep will come. Then tomorrow I'll take my pills, say my prayers, and try to get through another day.