I've been feeling really low lately. I try to keep my posts on my blog upbeat and positive, filling it with pictures and Gracisms, but I'm just not feeling it lately. My posts haven't been reflecting how I really feel. My depression hasn't been getting better, it's been getting worse. I've reached the point where I feel done with life, I want out. My kids don't bring me joy, marriage is too complicated and requires constant effort, finances and work and chores and responsibilities and church are all just too much to handle. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day, every day.
The only reason I post this is because for people who read my blog might think that things are always good, and always funny. That's a real form of therapy for me, to fake it and try to find some bright spots. Today I just don't want to fake it anymore.
My son was baptized last night and I didn't enjoy it. I feel so horrible for that, but the spirit just isn't getting through. I'm viewing everything through a fog of hopelessness. And now I just feel like a complainer, because life is hard for everyone. But isn't there supposed to be some joy mixed in with the trials? Aren't men (and women) here to have joy?
I'm a medical guinea pig again, playing around with medication. My psychiatrist also wants me to see a separate therapist, which means more babysitters and co-pays. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.
Sorry to be such a wet blanket, but blogs are deceiving... life isn't always funny, it's really hard sometimes. Right now it's harder for me than normal. Maybe after I fill my next prescription I'll be back to writing something funny that Grace said or did.
3 comments:
Jill, I am in the same boat. In fact, just spoke with my Bishop on Sunday about being released from my callings as right now, IT'S JUST TO MUCH! You are not alone! I often wish I didn't have BP and that I had another illness instead of a mental one. It's so tough and only those who go through it truly know how it feels. My Bishop's advice: He won't release me, but did tell me to forget about it for a few weeks. He told me to do my best, read my scriptures and pray. That's all that's expected of me. I can't even do that. So, hang in there. I am behind you 100%
School is almost here...hang in there!! Life itself will give you a break once the kids are in school. You are right, sometimes blogs are all roses and we are all thorns.
Is it too soon to go back to San Diego?
I am a loser! So sorry to have missed the baptism last night!!
Debbie, I asked to be released from my callings over a year ago. Basically I'm a family history consultant that just does indexing online. It's all I can handle right now, because most of the time I don't even want to go to church. I don't feel the spirit and my kids are bad, who would put themselves through three hours of that?? People tell me it's temporary, only with mental illness, it isn't. School will make things better because my youngest is starting kindergarten, but I'll probably just sleep the whole time they're gone. I just can't stand my life at all right now.
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