Grace's birthday / tea party

These are a tad out of order, but here we go... Grace had her birthday almost two months ago, so I figured it was about time we had her party before summer was over. I'm a procrastinator, what can I say. It was a huge success, and Grace had fun which is all that matters.

We had a tea party theme and all the girls came dressed up in their best party clothes. They felt very grown up eating little finger sandwiches and fruit, while drinking their tea of grape and apple juice.

Here's Grace in her party dress.

She looks VERY excited at getting this new barbie. She had one just like it which we threw away just a few days ago, because it was broken. Now it's not broken anymore! It was one of her very favorites, it's a ballet barbie where the little feet move so you can pose them.

All the girls were interested / excited to see all her loot.

Each girl got a crown to wear during the party and take home at the end. They were all treated like princesses throughout the whole thing, because that's exactly what they are.

Here's our happy tea party crowd!

I found these awesome cupcake holders at the Oriental Trading Company, the only website I use for party supplies. The girls thought they were so fancy.

Here's what my pretty table looked like when it was set before the girls got there. I let them all use my glass teacups and saucers, and not a single dish broke! I was so proud of them for acting so grown up, and careful!

After the carnage of opening gifts, Ben decided that Grace needed just one more present... a brand new brother! I'm surprised he fit himself into that bag, but he did it over and over again jumping out to surprise everyone.

I'm exhausted, but overall I had fun and so did the girls. This is Grace's first real birthday party with her friends, she's never really been old enough to have one before besides just family parties. I can't believe my little girl is five years old, she's growing up so fast. Kindergarten starts in just 11 days!!! (but who's counting?)

A more beautiful therapy

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved to play the violin. She was very talented, even earning herself a free pass to college through her instrument. Drawing beautiful music out of those four strings with her bow brought a sense of beauty, accomplishment, and peace.

Then that girl went a little crazy, and the violin sat buried under a pile of forgotten things at the back of the closet. A lot of time went by where the girl was sad, lonely, and angry. She couldn't find anything that would make her happy. She tried medication, faith, and therapy among other things. Relief was fleeting and the sadness would return.

The girl, in her desperate attempts to find some joy that was lost, dusted off that old violin and played. For hours and hours she made beautiful music, her muscles and fingers remembering exactly what they were supposed to do. The girl was happy.





*** Update ***
The girl is still seeing a psychiatrist and taking drugs, so music doesn't fix everything every time. It just soothes the soul when the soul is ready for it.

oh, it gets worse.

I've been off Paxil now for over two weeks. I've been stepping down my doses slowly for the past year, finally down to 5 mg. every other day. Two weeks clean.

And NOW my withdrawal symptoms are starting.

I get horrible headaches that come in short bursts, it feels like little electrified pebbles bouncing around inside my skull. There's a rushing sound like wind or water in my ears. I'm edgy and anxious and stressed and moody and angry.

I would usually get these headaches when I missed one dose, so why did this take two weeks to get worse?

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, I just can't get drowsy. I got out of bed the other night at 12:00 AM and emptied my cupboards and reorganized the pantry. It's not like I sleep all day either, I should be tired at the end of the day like everyone else, but I'm not. My sleep habits and patterns are irregular.

My five year old daughter told me tonight, "Mom... just remember what I told you last time. Just close your eyes, lay down, and sleep will come. It always works for me."

I wish that always worked for me. I'm feeling so crappy right now I can hardly stand it.

My behavior has been so erratic that it's scaring my kids. Ember called Austin at work this week and tattled on me, and my behavior. He was worried enough to come home. Now he's working from home until school starts again.

I NEVER want to meet his boss, because he knows some pretty horrible things about me. He's also done some pretty amazing things for Austin so he can be here for me when I need it. Silver lining, I guess.

Next week I'll start a new drug and play around with doses and frequency for awhile, and it has greater side effects that the others I've tried.

What kind of mother am I? My kids were afraid of me this week. I got angry about cracker crumbs on the floor and flipped out.

Now I'm seeing a therapist in addition to my psychiatrist. The co-pays and prescriptions are getting to be such a burden, not to mention the time commitments and struggle to find babysitters so mom can try and get well.

My kids always forgive me, and they're just getting old enough to understand why this happens sometimes. I don't understand why it's worse sometimes than others. I wish that this was pneumonia and I could take an anti-biotic and be cured, but it isn't. This is my life, this illness.

It'll get better again, it always does, I'm just angry tonight because the symptoms are getting worse and not better.

I'm going to try and take the advice of little Grace, and just close my eyes and maybe sleep will come. Then tomorrow I'll take my pills, say my prayers, and try to get through another day.

Search, Ponder and Pray

I was reading in the Book of Mormon tonight in 1 Nephi 17:13, which says "I will also be your light in the wilderness." This statement has always sounded cool to me, so I tried to sit and really think about what it meant in my life right now, since I seem to be wandering in a wilderness.

That's when I had trouble "thinking". Apparently I can search and pray, I am just incapable of pondering. One of the side effects of both my disease AND my medication is the inability to concentrate. I cant' finish sentences, I can't articulate my thoughts well, and I can't ponder the meaning of the scriptures as they apply to me personally. That is unbelievably frustrating for me. I've been reading in the Book of Mormon every single day and I can't even remember what I'm reading about. I'm also still pretty incapable of feeling the spirit, I didn't even feel it at my sons baptism. So if I can't feel the spirit, and I can't ponder on the scriptures, then what's the point of it all?

That's what I "pondered" on tonight. Yippee.


On a lighter note, this is what I found when I went to tuck in Grace tonight. She couldn't decide which animal to sleep with so she lined them all up to share the bed with her.

Ben's birthday & Baptism

I don't really feel like blogging right now, but I wanted to get these pictures posted for friends and family to see. Ben's 8th birthday was on Monday and his baptism was on Tuesday night.

Ben sort of passed out from joy at getting a Harry Potter DVD.

The baptism was nice and there was lots of friends & family there. Thanks to everyone for coming, Ben was (and is) really happy to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We're proud of him.

Depression strikes again

I've been feeling really low lately. I try to keep my posts on my blog upbeat and positive, filling it with pictures and Gracisms, but I'm just not feeling it lately. My posts haven't been reflecting how I really feel. My depression hasn't been getting better, it's been getting worse. I've reached the point where I feel done with life, I want out. My kids don't bring me joy, marriage is too complicated and requires constant effort, finances and work and chores and responsibilities and church are all just too much to handle. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day, every day.

The only reason I post this is because for people who read my blog might think that things are always good, and always funny. That's a real form of therapy for me, to fake it and try to find some bright spots. Today I just don't want to fake it anymore.

My son was baptized last night and I didn't enjoy it. I feel so horrible for that, but the spirit just isn't getting through. I'm viewing everything through a fog of hopelessness. And now I just feel like a complainer, because life is hard for everyone. But isn't there supposed to be some joy mixed in with the trials? Aren't men (and women) here to have joy?

I'm a medical guinea pig again, playing around with medication. My psychiatrist also wants me to see a separate therapist, which means more babysitters and co-pays. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.

Sorry to be such a wet blanket, but blogs are deceiving... life isn't always funny, it's really hard sometimes. Right now it's harder for me than normal. Maybe after I fill my next prescription I'll be back to writing something funny that Grace said or did.

Utah: day 4. Arizona: day 1

We're hooooooome!

{kissing the 110 degree sidewalk}

Utah: day 3

Today was spent in Salt Lake City and we had the opportunity to take the kids to the Temple where my parents were married. The spirit is always strong on Temple square, and it was a great visit.
This exhibit in the Visitor's Center is about the Army of Helaman. That's where we're currently studying during family scripture time, and I often sing the primary song Army of Helaman to Ember at bedtime. She watched all four videos of the exhibit. Afterward she came to me and said that it made her really happy, and she was crying. I pointed out to her that she was feeling the spirit. That was a pretty cool Mom moment.

After we got back to the hotel, we went swimming. Again. Twice.
Indoor pools are just really exciting to kids :)

Tomorrow is our long drive home. This has been an awesome trip and even though it was expensive and over our budget, I think it was worth it.

Back to the Arizona heat! Yay! (that was sarcastic)

Utah: day 2, part 2

Just a short post showing the aftermath of a REALLY long day :)

Utah: day 2 (long day, long post)

We started our day at the hotel, swimming in the indoor pool. The kids loved the echo (they yelled a lot) and the novelty of swimming inside. The hot tub was the favorite, because the other pool was freezing!

Just look at my muscle man. He lifts weights every day :)

We eat waaaaay too much fast food on road trips.
I'm craving green vegetables and fresh fruit.

Hotel rooms are so boring for kids :P

We spent the afternoon at Discovery Park to celebrate my grandma's 90th birthday. Lots of family came from several different states to be there for the event, because how often do you get to turn 90? Ember and Ben found the tennis courts at the park and managed to make up a game without any racquets. Thank goodness for all the discarded tennis balls!

My darling parents

Four adorable sisters, Marian, Jenny, Katie and Amy.

Grandma looks so sweet holding one of her great-grandkids, Lucas

Dad & Austin enjoying some peach mango salsa

Grace continually sprayed Aunt Cindy with water... it was a very hot day.

Ember makes friends easily, and today she latched herself onto a group of boys who were more than happy to dump cups of water on her.

Back at Aunt Sandy's there was an inflatable water slide, which was a big hit!

Grandma's sister Marian came for the party, the two were telling great stories. Grandma said in 90 years the thing that has changed the most is technology, and the one thing that has remained constant and not changed at all is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She is an example to us all.

At the end of the day we had a program / variety show and Grandma encouraged us to sing and recite poetry we had memorized. She's always encouraged her kids, grandkids and great grandkids to be educated and articulate, and because of her influence her posterity is full of talented people. It was a fun program, Grace and I even sang the itsy bitsy spider :)

Happy 90th birthday Grandma Shipley!