I have a picture hanging up in my bedroom with an amazing quote:
"The shaping of a child's faith and character is one of our most sacred stewardships."
My oldest is a pre-teen, a baptized member of the church and starting to ask some real questions. My son will be baptized this year and I think he is prepared, but I honestly don't know. My baby girl, the one who saved me from my deepest and scariest depression, is turning five and going to Kindergarten. She won't sit still for a prayer unless it's her turn to pray, but we're making progress.
My baby girl just crawled into my bed after having a nightmare. I'm watching her breathe and contemplating how miraculous it is that she's mine. And one of my deepest fears, the ones that manifest themselves at 1:30 in the morning, is that I'm screwing this up.
Am I teaching my kids all that they will need in order to survive in this chaotic world? Or am I teaching them that when life gets hard, lock yourself in your bedroom with your laptop and wait until it goes away?
Am I helping them recognize the spirit, foster their own faith and testimonies, and arming them with vital gospel principles? Or am I skipping Family Home Evenings because by the end of the day I am out of the mental energy it would take to encourage them to sit still for just a MOMENT and listen to something important?
My kids seem happy (except when they all want the same toy). They go to church, even when I don't, because of my amazing husband. They are learning most of the scripture stories from faithful primary teachers who truly care about my kids. And I'm afraid that I will be judged for not being the one who is doing those things.
My disease is just an excuse. I'm on medication, I'm seeing a psychiatrist, I'm in more control that I let on, and yet I continue to fail at the one thing that is my most sacred stewardship. Or at least I'm afraid that I'm failing. My tears are falling on my daughters hair as I lay next to her because I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for her.
I'm sure that every mother has these moments, and they're scary. I can only pray to be worthy of them and express humble and sincere gratitude for the village that is helping me raise them.
Thanks for listening, I think I can go to sleep now.
4 comments:
Sweet Jill, those of us with BP often struggle with these same thoughts. You are doing a great work for the Lord, You are an amazing woman and most importantly your Heavenly Father knows your struggles and where you heart is. You are right BP is not an excuse, but it sure makes life difficult. I hear all of your words, like it was my life mirrored in yours. During one of my depressive periods my oldest daughter wrote in her school journal that she was afraid that I would die. She was 6. I didn't discover this until she was grown and gone from home and it devastated me. There are days when you can just get through one minute at a time...I totally get mental exhaustion. Then there are those days where you shine. But, Jill, the most important thing of all...Your kids KNOW you love them, mine never did. Be strong...you can conquer this.
I suspect that all good mothers struggle with doubts about their parenting. It reflects the deep love we have for our children and a knowledge of our own imperfection. BP isn't the only excuse, we all get impatient sometimes, tired sometimes, and overwhelmed many times. The important thing to remember is.....grace. Grace is given to us not only as individuals, but as parents, too. While we are doing the best we can do, He is doing the rest. Sometimes He uses our husbands or primary teachers or caring friends. Sometimes the miracles that come are from our children themselves. Rather than beating ourselves up because we have to have help, let's rejoice in the grace that is given to us. He loves our children even more than we do. And He loves us as much as he loves them. Focus on how much you love that little girl. That's how much He loves you.
Hey Jill,
BP aside, because as far as I know I've never been diagnosed with BP or depression, I think these thoughts too. And often. But here's what else I think. In general, we are our own worst critics as LDS women because so much depends on us. How can we NOT feel like we're failing miserably when the standard is set so high?
A very WISE priesthood leader told me a few things to remember. You're doing better than you think. You are not like everyone else, and it only does harm to compare yourself to someone else with an entirely different life/kids/set of problems/etc. because who really knows what another person's struggles are when they close the door to the world?
As far as future accountability for your stewardship, I think the only way to TRULY fail is to stop caring altogether. People are put in our lives to lean on, and sometimes we lean a little more than other times. I heavily rely on my parents for childcare every week while I maintain a full-time job outside the home. I'd like things to be different in that respect, but right now this is just how things are. Sometimes I feel like I'm having my parents raise my kids, not true, but it feels like it sometimes. Times I let it get to me I have to realize that my son and daughter love me, I'm their Mommy and THAT is special and unchangeable no matter what they learn or get from anyone else (even Daddy!) and that we're blessed as an extended family to live close enough to one another to allow for this arrangement. I don't think I'm getting docked celestial brownie points because of our lifestyle right now. I think if I didn't care at all is where the problems lie.
You love your children and want the best for them. You see that they get what they need, and sometimes that means putting your kids in contact with those who can give when you can't. It changes daily how much a person is able to give. Water can't be drawn from an empty well. You do your best, and some days will be better than others.
One thing I believe is that if the most righteous spirits have been saved for the last days, our children as a generation will be MORE righteous and MORE spiritually in tune than we as their parents will ever be, and so on and so on. I just feel lucky to be a part pf their lives and have a hand in shaping them for good, however small my influence actually is.
Keep your chin up! We're all hangin' in right there with you! :)
Jill, I don't have anything like what you deal with everyday, but I have said those same exact words so many times. Am I enough? Am I screwing this, or worse, them up? The truth is that you are awesome and I suspect that even I am. Those feelings of inadequacy are so horribly real, but I also suspect that they come from the adversay to beat us down because if he can do that, then the ship really is sunk. You have been an inspiration to me longer than any other friend I have ever had, and it will continue on that way for eternity. I have seen you mad, frusterated, yelling at me and everyone else. But with that I have seen you unexplainably kind and understanding and shining brighter for me to see when I truly needed a light to giude me...and it has happened more than once. I think it's the cumulative score that we are graded on when it comes to our kids. One of the sweetest things I have ever heard was from a little old lady in our ward who I deeply admire. She said that when she talks with her kids now, all they do is gush about the way she mothered them. And she truly believed that they weren't just sugar coating reality, that it was thier real and honest assessment of her as a mother. But in her mind's eye she could remember all the times she lost her cool, or got frusterated, or wasn't what she thought was enough. The point, she said, was that children are blessed with that forgetfullness to savour the good, all the good, we do and let go of the bad. I have held on to that like a life vest! You are amazing! Your desires to do the best you can are never wavering, and so I believe your kids----and I pray mine too----will be blessed with that forgetfullness too, and remember I was trying my hardest and that I love them forever! You are amazing----have I said that? I am serious here! You never cease to amaze me. Thanks for writing those profound words. It made me feel the hope I needed tonight! I love you, dear friend of mine!
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