Gratitude

This is a long, introspective post that contains spirituality, testimony, & gushy love talk. Casual readers can skip ahead to the next post with short sentences and cute pictures! I'll love you either way!

I spent some time tonight blog-sucking, including my own older posts, and I realized something: I am so lucky. I have three amazing children who are so beautiful, they take my breath away. They are so innocent in their observations and creations, they teach me something new about myself every single day. I am humbled to be their mother, and I pray in gratitude to my Father in Heaven for trusting me with their spirits in mortality.

Austin and I went and visited with our Stake President tonight, and he was given a new calling; High Priest Group Leader. It's a big responsibility that will probably take him out of the home several nights a week, but it's a great opportunity for service and growth. I am so proud of him, and I am so lucky to be married to my best friend. I was thinking about two things tonight; I don't have any girlfriends that I am really close to, talk to on a regular basis, or have traditions with. That makes me a little sad, because I have a hard time developing relationships with other women. I am insecure, and I am hesitant to let down my barriers. But I do have my best friend in the whole world that I share inside jokes with, share three beautiful children with, share a bed and a home with, & share a pazookie with (he says it's a two person dessert, and I disagree... it's a testament to my love for him that he gets a bite). That's the first thing, how lucky I am to be married to the best friend I ever had.

The second thing I was thinking about was my patriarchal blessing. It's been awhile since I've read it, but it came to my mind tonight in our meeting with President Lewis. It tells me that my husband will be a leader in the church, and I will be a great supporter of him. I never thought much about that until tonight. I don't think it's a given that I will support my husband. Being a great leader takes time and effort, it means not being home some evenings, it means early morning meetings, it means extra time away from your family. I think that line in my blessing is actually counsel from my Heavenly Father. I NEED to be a great supporter of him, in order for him to become the man he needs to be. I NEED to be a great supporter of him so that I can achieve the personal growth that I have been lacking lately. I lean on him so much for everything because of my own personal weaknesses. I am grateful for that counsel, and I hope that I can achieve that quality that my Heavenly Father saw the potential for in me.

After we got home from our meeting I spent some time online visiting the blogs of other family and friends, and I am in awe of the great mothers that are out there. With bi-polar disorder I often feel like I'm not a very good mother, and that my children will end up needing therapy of their own one day because of me. My blog makes me look like a pretty decent mom, but I only post the good stuff. I don't post the times I lost my temper over spilled water (just water for crying out loud, not even anything that would stain!) or put my kids in front of the TV because I just didn't have the energy to spend the evening playing with them. I have a lot of ups and downs, and it makes me sad that I can't cherish their childhood the way I see other mothers doing with their kids. My children will only be this age once, tomorrow they will have grown up a little bit more. I wish I could cherish this time and live in the moment more fully. I know that my Heavenly Father is aware of my weaknesses and shortcomings and He will watch over my children when I can't. I'm grateful for that knowledge, and I really do pray that I can live up to the noble title of "Mother" some day.

That's enough introspection for one evening. It's back to playing games online and waiting for dawn to break, so I can fix breakfast for my posterity and cherish the simplicity of before school routines.