I was asked to speak tonight at the adult session of Stake Conference. My mom asked me to send her my talk, and after the meeting tonight Austin asked me to put the text on our blog. I am hesitant to self publicize so outrageously, but here it is:
“I had some sleepless nights about what I wanted to say tonight, especially because of the special preparations that our Stake Presidency asked us to do in order to be ready for this meeting. We were to re-read one of the four gospels and ponder the meaning of the atonement in our lives, and our relationship with the Savior. In order to tell you about my relationship with the Savior, I have to share some things that are very personal.
I have bi-polar disorder, which is the new name for manic depression. The mania is uncontrolled, hyperactive and sometimes destructive behavior. The depression is self explanatory, and devastating. I believe this is one of Satan’s greatest and most effective tools because it destroys families. If I succumb to it, he succeeds in destroying my husband and my children, as well as me. It leaves me feeling hopeless, lonely, and distanced from my Heavenly Father and my Savior. It’s like I feel the consequences of sin without having done anything wrong.
I often feel like I’m a bad mother, failing at the one thing that I was sent to earth to do. My children are suffering from the consequences of my disease, and they didn’t do anything to deserve that, they didn’t do anything wrong!
I have struggled with admitting that I have this disease, because in the past I’ve been told that if I obey the Word of Wisdom and eat fruits & vegetables, if I read my scriptures and go to the Temple, then I’ll be happy. I won’t need to take “happy pills.” Because I do take medication for my disease, I sometimes feel embarrassment and alienation. Probably self-inflicted, but real to me nonetheless.
I have an unshakeable testimony that the Savior offers hope when I feel hopeless, offers unconditional love when I feel lonely, and offers healing that only He can offer because of His atonement. The atonement heals all kinds of pain, both physical and emotional. Pain from the consequences of sin, and pain that was inflicted upon me and isn’t my fault.
I also have Crohn’s disease, something that maybe not everyone has heard of but people understand it better because it’s a physical disease, not a mental one. I’m dealing with a flare up right now and I’m on an all liquid diet. I’m struggling with severe stomach pain and I almost took myself to the emergency room twice this week. I almost didn’t have to give this talk! Actually, if I hadn’t opened up my big mouth to President Lewis I wouldn’t have been asked to give it in the first place.
My husband and his brother gave me a priesthood blessing on Thursday night, and a miracle happened. I still have stomach pain, I’m still at risk for a bowel obstruction and hospitalization. That wasn’t the miracle. In the words of the blessing, my husband addressed my emotional pain. He said the Lord is aware of my struggles, and He is pleased with my efforts as a mother. He said my children love me. He blessed me to feel the peace only the Savior can offer. My body wasn’t healed, but my heart was.
I think that’s the greatest miracle of the atonement. In the scriptures you read about people with leprosy who were healed, the blind who were made to see, and I know that physical miracles still happen every day. Those are the miracles that people expect to see, that they think about when they think of the word miracle, some kind of physical manifestation. The healing of the heart is more amazing to me, because it can’t be seen by anyone but me. It’s personal.
With depression, only I know how much it hurts. And my Savior knows, because he knows my heart. He can and will heal me as often as I need it. Physical healing happens once, but emotional healing happens all the time. My disease has no cure and I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. I have experienced some real darkness, but I have learned that everything has it’s opposite. Pleasure and pain. Health and sickness. Light and darkness. I have felt the presence of my Savior lifting me from my despair and offering me hope. I don’t know a lot of things, but I know my Savior lives and I know He loves me. I know He has healed me, and He will heal me again, as often as I need it and as many times as I ask for it.
